Adult friendships

Hey you!

It’s been two weeks since Alfred, and I hope life is mostly back to normal for you. In this email I’d like to share with you some info about navigating the tricky terrain of adult friendships- in case you didn’t already know! As Mel Robbins so wisely says in her fabulous new book, The Let Them Theory, friendships during our childhood years were pretty straightforward - for most of us anyway. This was because we rocked up at school from Monday to Friday, and there they were – the same faces day after day, year after year. Of course, if you moved around as a kid from town to town or state to state, friendships were not that easy and may even have affected the way you approach relationships today.

Childhood friendships seemed so easy

Mel reckons that there are three pillars that are fundamental in maintaining adult friendships. They are energy, timing and proximity. She describes our 20s as the great scattering, where everyone goes their different ways moving locations, studying and starting new careers. All those familiar people who were there every day at school for so many years, are now absent. This also has an impact on how we feel about ourselves when we’re with people who haven’t shared experiences with us.

Sometimes we lose touch with friends - not because we’ve had a major falling out, but simply because we are lacking one or more of those essential 3 pillars – energy, timing and proximity. This has happened to me over the years, and I have so much admiration for people, like my mum and friend Julie, who have maintained friendships since their primary school years! Wow! Go you!

Friendships don’t always last a lifetime, and if a friendship comes to a natural end, for whatever reason, I choose to say the mantra, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

My experience tells me that lasting friendships take time to develop and evolve. Good friends make us feel happier, healthier and they usually bring out the best in us I reckon. I have once such dear friend of some 20 years who lives 91 kilometres away from me. We share many things in common, including both being grandmothers, but we do find it tricky to catch up face-to-face due to, you guessed it, the time-energy-proximity factor.

My friend, Julie

We both hold dear the relationship we have invested in over the years, and make an effort to spend at least a weekend together every few months, going out to a show and sharing some quality time. We’ve managed to maintain our closeness over time because of the effort we put in to keeping the relationship alive. It feels like a fire that continuously needs to be stoked if we are to benefit from the warmth and glow that the fire offers. We’ve also discovered that meeting each other’s family members has enhanced our friendship as we understand each other in a wider context. I took my friend Kerry to visit my parents and see where I grew up in Sydney to help build a stronger foundation of friendship and an appreciation of where I’ve come from in the past which has lead to who I am today.

My friend Toto, whom I've known since 1989.

A friendship that I thought I’d have until my dying day recently came to an end; I no longer see another person because we seemed to have run out of things to say. Other relationships have ended because I did all the heavy lifting – exhausting! As Mel says, we don’t need to cling to friendships that no longer serve us. It’s okay to move on and lose touch. Timing, energy, proximity.

I’ve decided not to dwell too much if friendships are not enduring. We laughed, we loved, we danced - and then like leaves floating on a river, we simply drifted apart. Thank you for the time and experiences we had together. The truth is I guess the most enduring friendship you and I will ever have is the one with ourselves.

Best wishes,

Jen 😊